last night was brutal.
so many memories that i had spent YEARS pushing away resurfaced.
we talked on the phone till almost 2.
hes hurting..... more then anyone knows.
i hate it. bc i cant do a single thing about it. just be there.
what i do now cant fix the past for either of us.
many think he is just pulling the "oh-poor-pitiful-him-act".
to those who do, you have never been there.
watching people being put through that... and feeling like its your fault.
when you lose your purpose at such a young age.... doyou ever get it back?
neither one of us had a childhood.
it started at the same age, dealing with the same things.
to those who stay silent..... speak up.
the silence is more brutal then the constant nightmares.
say something before were lost in inescapable thought.
i have never felt the true warmth of happiness....EVER.
lots say thats bull shit, but when your haunted by your past everyday....
you start to wonder if you even believe in happiness.
i want to know exactly what it feels like...... but thats asking to much isnt it?
hahahahahaha.
its funny.
people have no earthly idea that i only told you about 1/8 of the story.
only 2 people will ever know the rest.
one being the oh-so-very-crazy, kels.....
the other being the one that needs my help just like i need his.
none of them could feel this.
its worse then the panic attacks, worse then replaying the memories,
it has no definition.
ok so maybe its not that funny..... still....
not a single drop of sympathy, please.
thats another reason its just him.... he wont feel sorry for me, bc he has been there.
he holds himself lower then anyone should....
i dont think i have ever met someone so strong.
you think i trust him more then i should........
well... kels has one thing to say about that....
if you honestly dont have faith in him then you have never had faith in me.
we both agree that were a part of each other now.
no matter what has happened or been said before i literally feel his pain.
you cant do much.
he is already stuck between the stones..... JUST LIKE ME.
its not fair.
you can trust me all day long...... and thats only bc you have never and will never know the truth. we will always be stuck like glue. we cant walk away. however.....
i hate how you can say you trust me so much but you dont have an ounce of faith in him.
maybe its bc of my perspective...
who knows.
im fucked up....you already know that. i love you..... you should know that..
do i love him just as much.....absolutely.
no matter whether or not you think i should.... i always will.
and i will ALWAYS trust him just like i do you.